You’re right. I do want to go back to ice-skating. I was uninspired before, but you and Yurio have surprised me. When I saw Yurio break my world record in the short program, I did feel like I want to defend it. I felt that I am proud to have choreographed his program, but I am not done yet. Victor Nikiforov isn’t dead. I am still a competitive figure skater, and that part of me is still there.
But when you told me you’re retiring, I got mad. How can you tell me to go back to the ice and say you’re retiring! If you retire, it would be as if all the time I invested in you, all the emotions I’ve put into you over the past eight month didn’t matter anymore. Even if you were to get the gold medal, that’s not enough. I want to see you shine brighter and brighter.
Maybe you thought I was disappointed in you because you couldn’t land the quadruple flip cleanly in the short program, but that’s not true. I was only disappointed because I was with you at that moment. I jumped with you. I felt your disappointment, so I thought I want to do more for you. I want to become a better coach for you.
But…I know I’m not perfect. I did get caught up in the competition because the ice skater within me didn’t die. I’m sorry about that.
Yuri, thank you for thinking about me and my happiness. But you don’t understand. More than me going out and competing, you matter to me, because in the end, seeing you shine gives me life and love. That’s what inspires me and surprises me and makes me want to skate along with you.
Being on the ice by myself is boring, Yuri. It’s boring and lonely, I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to skate and compete, but along with you. I don’t want to go back to the ice alone, to go back to my old self, trying to surprise the world without having any more inspiration left in me. I need you to be my inspiration.
So, come back to the ice, Yuri. Come back to the place where we found life and love together. Don’t let this be the end.
Stay close to me.
I’m afraid of losing you.
I wrote this as a way to try to understand Victor's character and behavior in episode 11 and 12 from the "inside" perspective. Sometimes, when I get into an argument with my boyfriend or parents, I would cool down by writing them a letter like this to sort out my thoughts. I think that in this case, Victor had an argument with Yuri at the start of episode 12, and they left on angry terms, so Victor wrote this to sort out his thoughts. I don't know if he would actually be self-aware like this, though-this is mostly an exercise for me to try to understand him.